Jon Stewart On The Real Important News Stories…

My friend Jason went to Fudrucker’s and got a bit annoyed with the kid taking his order.  When the kid asked for Jason’s name, this was the result:  (Note: most names have been changed to protect the innocent )

Speaking of shitheads:

OK, so the other day, I had a problem with my Xanga Photoblog.  Since the only way to contact Xanga is via email, I sent a few emails but didn’t get a reply. 

Being extremely resourceful, I eventually managed to track down Chris by telephone and he was more than helpful and solved my problem with a few tweaks of code.  He even called me back from his cell phone when the problem was solved!  I was very appreciative and sent him a thank you email.  I know he was wondering how the hell I tracked him down in the Xanga office (as all of their numbers are unpublished).  I just told him that I’m used to getting what I want! 

When I looked at his Xanga photoblog, I found the cutest pictures of his dog Gromit.  They reminded me a lot of my dog Oreo (who I lost some time ago…read more here).  I started comparing some of my old pictures of Oreo with pictures of Gromit, and here is the result.  Pretty cute huh?  

Gromit                                             Oreo

My blog is getting more popular.  These are the last 100 hits.  I’m still waiting for Antarctica?  Anyone out there??

Dateline Hollywood: — In a shocking development, two of Hollywood’s wildest stories came together on Monday when a newly bald Britney Spears showed up at a Broward County, Fla. Courtroom to claim that she is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby daughter….

 

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When the “crawl” came across the TV screen on Friday, I literally shuddered.  Not because some “overweighted” and over rated “pop princess” shaved her head, but because I knew that I would have to endure the news from every media outlet for the next month (at least until Michael Jackson sodomizes Shia LeBeouf)

While I do think that the Anna Nicole story is sad because of all that happened to her (and the fact that no one in her life stopped her from self destructing), this ridiculous obsession with Britney Spears has got to stop.  And don’t try to tell me it’s an “American thing”.  People all over the world care about that ho.  Why???  I will never understand it, but look at the Google Zeitgest from just January of this year.  Britney Spears was one of the Top 15 most searched for items in countries as diverse as: Brazil, Canada, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Mexico and the Philippines!  (Along with someone who is even worse….Paris Hilton, but I digress.)  Is it just a lot of horny men out there?  It’s certainly not her singing!

And I swear every time I happen to come across”Access Entertainment Insider Extra” it’s all Anna all of the time.  I actually had to write down what they said last week on Entertainment Tonight:

Stay tuned for Howard K. Stern’s emotional reunion with Dannielynn in a SAFE HOUSE.  Hushed tones.  He gently pats her back, hoping to gain strength from her innocence, the strength to go on.  He tries to find the words to tell her that her mother is gone.  Their bond is all there is, they only have each other.

I swear to God I didn’t make that up!  Beside the fact that they’re talking about a 5 month old baby, you should have heard the funereal music!  You might ask why I endure watching, but it’s so damn funny!  Will someone please just shoot Pat O’Brien, Mary Hart, Billy Bush and Mark Steines??  Please!!  I’m embarrassed to even live in LA.  When will it end?  Sadly I don’t think it will.  Could we not concentrate on the horrors of life these days?  Soldiers dying, poverty, AIDS.  Why, oh why, is Britney Spears’ underwear (or lack thereof) news?  Someone is already trying to sell her hair, her Bic lighter and her can of Red Bull on the Internet (minimum bid $1,000,000).  Yes you can go to www.buybritneyshair.com (I kid you not, the website has been so busy that they’re over their quota and you may not even be able to get on.  For those of you who can’t, here’s a preview: 

$1,000,000.00

(minimum offer)

This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime. You can be the proud owner of Britney Spears’ hair, extensions, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull she was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter and this valuable domain and website to use for publicity purposes. This is the Ultimate Britney Spears Experience! It is a piece of history that can not be duplicated!

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to various charities. The winner will have the choice to remain anonymous or to use this for publicity purposes.

If you are SERIOUS about purchasing please do the following:

Please send an email to buybritneyshair@yahoo.com and include your name, company name (if applicable), email, phone number, and address. We will contact you A.S.A.P. Any submissions that do not include ALL of the required information will be discarded.

Please Note: WE HAD THE HAIR LISTED ON EBAY, ITEM# 330089956532 AND IT WAS CANCELLED FOR AN AS YET UKNOWN (their typo, not mine!) REASON. WE HAVE NOW SET UP THIS WEBSITE AS THE ONLY OFFICIAL LISTING FOR THE HAIR.

THIS IS THE AUTHENTIC LISTING. THIS IS NOT A SCAM. BUYER IS ENCOURAGED TO DO A LOCAL PICKUP AT ESTHER’S HAIRCUTTING STUDIO IN TARZANA, CALIFORNIA. ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AUTHENTIC AND THIS IS THE ONLY REAL LISTING. ANY HAIR FOR SALE ON E-BAY IS A SCAM, PURE AND SIMPLE.

Now, some may say that I’m perpetuating this ridiculous pop culture blather, but isn’t that what the “blogoshpere” is for?  Someone needs to give all these idiots, including CNN and the New York Times a wakeup call!!  The end of the world must surely be near.

From the Washington Post, via today’s San Diego Union Tribune.

GENE WEINGARTEN

They’re a riddle, wrapped in the flag, inside an enigma

According to a recent survey, 17 percent of the American public “stronglyapproves” of the job that George W. Bush is doing. Not just approves, but strongly approves. I found those numbers interesting, but incomplete. Don’t you want to know who those people are? What sorts of lives they lead? How they make their judgments? I think we can safely presume that about one-tenth of 1 percent of these people are plutocrats, al-Qaeda sleeper cell agents, Lockheed Martin executives, vice presidents of the United States, etc. But what about the rest? In the interest of fair and responsible journalism, and without any preconceived biases, I have created a poll to scientifically analyze this group of Americans. Please do not answer the questions below unless you”strongly approve” of the job President Bush is doing.

1. How do you think the war in Iraq is going?

a) Splendidly

b) Very well, indeed

c) Quite nicely, thank you

d) Pretty darned OK

2. How would you rate the president’s handling of Hurricane Katrina?

a) Masterful

b) Super

c) Four stars

d) Very, very good

3. What is the biggest problem facing America today?

a) People criticizing President Bush

b) Discrimination against shotgun enthusiasts

c) Sissies

4. How do you pronounce “America”?

a) Murka

b) Other

5. What is your first name?

a) Elmer

b) Lucille (Sorry Aunty LuLu :))

c) Other

6. What is your preferred method of deflecting alien mind-control beams?

a) Wearing an aluminum-foil hat

b) Replacing metal tooth fillings with composite

c) Chanting while naked

d) Shooting into the air toward suspected mother ships

7. What is your primary source of news?

a) Cow behavior, caterpillar activity, tree-moss changes, etc.

b) What my common-law spouse heard at bingo

c) Homeland Security color-alert changes

d) The Bible

8. How many cars does your family own?

a) Three to five

b) Six to nine

c) 10 to 14

d) 15 or more

9. Of those cars, how many are not on blocks in your yard?

a) One

b) None

10. If you were a Renaissance-era poem, what meter would you be in?

a) Iambic pentameter

b) Anapestic hexameter

c) Trochaic heptameter, with a single spondaic foot

d) Just kidding! Go on to the next question.

11. What is your favorite sport?

a) Huntin’

b) Fishin’

c) Rasslin’

d) Hot dog-eatin’ contests

12. What is your current field of employment?

a) Hubcap brokerage

b) Scrap metal redemption

c) Driveway resurfacing and refrigerator repair and auto detailing andseptic tank servicing

d) License plate manufacturing at a correctional institution

13. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

a) I’d like to be able to be weighed without the use of a forklift and truckscale.

b) I’d like to own my own TV instead of renting.

c) I’m OK with just the two teeth, but I’d like ‘em to touch.

d) I’d like to be smart, like George W. Bush.

Please send your answers to Tony Snow, Office of the Press Secretary,Washington, D.C.

Gene Weingarten’s e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

The Washington Post Writers Group

Find this article at: http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070218/news_lz1c18riddle.html

I almost feel guilty that it was 85 here in LA today, when this is what’s happening elsewhere in our world…..Almost

 

This was too funny NOT to post

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TMX or XXX???

I can’t put it down.  (By the way, if you click through to amazon.com from one of my book, music or movie links, I get paid ) $$$