March 13, 2007

• Perceptions

  Amos and I went on a wild goose chase tonight determined to find a suitable area rug for their living room.  After striking out at Cost Plus World Market, Crate & Barrel and Bed Bath & Beyond, we went for a yummy sushi dinner and headed over to a TJ Maxx which was somewhere in LA I’d never been.  Alas we found the perfect rug.  It looks really nice and the place is coming along well!

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  I’ve been asked to repost this, so here it is:

  I read an amazing story today.  A friend of mine wrote eloquently about the importance of family and respecting the past, and though he was too young to remember it at the time, how it shaped him.  He posted an emotional email from his father that described a truly incredible, dangerous and life changing journey, fleeing from tyranny and hoping against hope for a better life for his children in America.  Though I knew of my friend’s past, I had never heard it from his father’s perspective, but after reading this account I gained a deep respect for where he came from and the experiences that shaped the man he is today.  It made me think about a couple of strange things that happened last week.
  
  I had to drive to Laguna Thursday, and I was listening to the Dreamgirls soundtrack the whole way down.  It put me in a great mood, and when I met with my some of my business associates I asked if they had seen the movie.  One woman in particular expressed interest.  She’s in her late 40′s or early 50′s I think, and wanted to know more about the film.  I related the whole tale to her about Jennifer Hudson, The Supremes, Florence Ballard and the tragedy behind the real story.  She listened intently, and after I was done she responded “So it’s a black thing?” 
  
  I was taken aback by the question, and didn’t know how to respond.  I asked her what she meant and she told me that while growing up in the 60′s her father never let her listen to “nigger music”, but that she and her sister secretly liked and listened to Diana Ross and the Supremes.  I could tell by the way she was relating the story that she had no idea that it sounded racist. (I don’t know about her father’s past, but I would venture to guess, he was also a product of his circumstances…and so the cycle continued).
  
  We are all a reflection of our parents and our upbringing.  Some who struggled early in life (like my friend) might feel guilty about the sacrifices their parents made to ensure that their children had a better life.  After all, as children, don’t we all want to live up to our parent’s expectations?  When we act in ways that we think will disappoint them, it makes us sad.  That’s what part of growing up is all about.  Eventually you come to the realization that despite their flaws, your parents only want a better life for you.
  
  Later the same day I drove to my aunt and uncle’s house for my regular Thursday spaghetti dinner with them.  They’re 2nd generation Italian Americans who grew up during the Depression.  They’re both in their late 70′s and early 80′s now, and since my Grandma (Nonna) died, they are one of my links to our family’s past.  My uncle served in WWII overseas fighting the Japanese and raised his family in the turbulent 50′s and 60′s.  There wasn’t one African American or Asian person within 100 miles from where he lived.  He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but sometimes he makes off the cuff remarks about people of other races which in the modern “PC” world may not be received that well.  He is a product of his past; his upbringing, the war, the race riots of the 60′s.  He raised 3 kids (my cousins) to be decent hard working people like him, and they’re now raising their children and their children’s children the same way.  He is a good man, honest and hard working and has lived a good life.
  
  I recently had a heated discussion with my friend Eva who’s getting her PhD in education at UCSB.  She has a utopian view that everyone has or should have the potential to be whatever their definition of success entails.  For some that might be a doctor or a lawyer.  For others it might be a ditch digger.  But because of the inequities in education, and class and race, she believes our society and our system is incapable of affording everyone the same opportunities.
  
  I argued that with intelligence and hard work, in combination with our upbringing (the morals we learn from our parents and those experiences from our past that shape us), that anyone can be successful.  I used the example of Chris Gardner (the real life man portrayed by Will Smith in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”).  Tyson, who with his brother actually taught Will Smith how to solve the Rubik’s Cube for the movie, writes in his blog about how annoying it is when people ask him about “the trick” to solving the cube.  While on the movie’s set he observed people asking the same thing of Chris Gardner:  “What’s the trick of going from rags to riches?”  Chris responds by handing them a copy of his book!  Tyson’s point is well taken.  He worked hard and learned how to solve the Rubik’s cube himself.  It’s not a trick.  He’s smart (he can do it blindfolded), and he figured it out, just like Chris Gardner, who simply wanted a better life for his son.  The pursuit of happiness.
  
  I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we all want what’s best for our children.  My business friend’s father who didn’t want her listening to “nigger music” honestly thought that was what was best for her.  My uncle, who doesn’t trust other ethnicities as much, has deep seated notions that were formed during a world war.  My friend, who got the heartfelt email had a father who overcame unbelievable obstacles to provide a better life for his children.
  
  I’ll end with a movie recommendation I’ve made before.  If you haven’t seen Babel, you should.  It’s out on DVD now and it’s really what the essence of this posting is about.  My favorite three movies last year were: Babel (to appreciate how truly the same we all are, and simply want what’s best for our children by trying to do the right thing); Dreamgirls (to realize how dreams can come true, and also be fleeting) and The Pursuit of Happyness (to recognize the potential in all of us, and that it’s never to late to pursue a good life and ultimately be happy).

  • 1:49 am
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