April 22, 2007

• A Week of Sadness Ends – A Lifetime of Hope Begins – Days 4-7

  

   

  

   

  Eva and I just dropped Sabine off at the airport.  Her visit here was filled with tears and sadness but also with peacefulness and hope.  What happened at Virginia Tech last week will unfortunately follow her for the rest of her life, but she will eventually learn how it made her stronger and she will continue the legacy of the friends and classmates she lost.  ”She will always carry on, some things are lost, some things are found.  She will keep on speaking their names; some things change, some stay the same.”  Tomorrow at 9:45 AM Eastern Time there will be a moment of silence on the campus of Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg, Virginia.  Bells will toll, balloons will be released and the long road to healing will begin.

   

  As my friend Billy eloquently wrote:

  “How inspired her life will become as she emerges from the mourning of this unchosen yet immensely defining moment with enormous strength of purpose.  A strength so uncommon which seemingly strangely can only be wrought in such despair.”

  But out of despair, comes hope.

   

  Here is a full size slide show of my photos shown below, (for our friends who wish to order some) which were taken from Wednesday when Sabine arrived, until today, Sunday the 22nd of April, 2007.  Sabine’s fiancee Alan is flying in to Virginia from Switzerland tomorrow.  Perhaps another day I will tell the story of how “Bine” and I met 10 years ago in Marcelo’s idyllic backyard pool in Piricicaba, Brazil – and became lifelong friends, along with our diverse group of far flung friends who we have spent so many New Years Eve’s together in so many different countries the past 10 years.  We all share a unique bond and have been through a lot with each other.  There will surely be more struggles that we all face, but we are a family. 

  
   

  “525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in the life of friends?  How about love? 

  Measure your life in love.  Seasons of love.”

   

   

   

   

  Use the arrow controls to change speed of slideshow. To see captions,

  single click one time only, then hover over each photo.

  ---

  We Can Be Kind

  “What can we do, thinking of what is now “Virginia Tech”?

  We can be kind.
  
  

  Behind the wheel, in the grocery line, at the game.  We can attempt to recapture civility.  Not a sea of misgiving and regret can wash away any of the campus horror that says, “for God’s sake, do something.” We cannot affect that past.  What we can do lies in the next moment, the next week, our tomorrows.  We can be all that was not in that morning.  We can be kind.

  ---

   

  

  I’ve had visitors to this site from 36 countries this week.  Again, thank, you all for your comments, messages, kind words, and prayers.  They have brought my friend Sabine comfort, as she struggles with the loss of so many friends.  I know this page is a lot to digest, and I appreciate those of you have read every word and gained some insight into this horrific tragedy.  Here is one more first hand account that is beautifully written and a fitting tribute that will stay with you forever.

  ---

  That Was the Desk I Chose to Die Under

  Carey,

  Below you find the e-mail my very good friend has sent. It will be highly 
  appreciated, if you put it in your blog. Love, Bine

  Your support has been very helpful and will continue to be.  I wanted to share
  some thoughts with you all in this manner as it is sometimes hard to talk right 
  now, but I feel that some of the feelings I have are important to share.  I
  don't want to disturb you anymore because I know that the news has been full,
  but I am starting off with an excerpt from today's Washington Post, 
  because it gives an accurate account from room 206, the class of my friends
  that I had recently dropped.

  "The first attack came in Room 206, advanced hydrology taught by Loganathan.
  There were 13 graduate students in the class, all from the civil engineering 
  department. There was no warning, no foreboding sounds down the hallway. The
  gunman entered wordlessly and began shooting. Students scattered to get as far
  away from the door as possible. One bullet hit Partahi "Mora" Lumbantoruan, an 
  Indonesian doctoral student. His body fell on top of fellow graduate student
  Guillermo Colman. Then the shooter aimed his two guns around the room, picking
  off people one by one before leaving. Colman, protected by his classmate's 
  prone body, was one of only four in the room to survive. The professor and so
  many of his disciples, most of them international students, were dead. Along
  with Colman, the three who survived were Nathanial Krause, Lee Hixon and 
  Chang-Min Park. Two other members of the class lived because they didn't make
  it in that morning."

  This is hard.  Sometimes I can talk about it and other times I can't.  Our grief
  the first days has been shock and desperation, a trickle then a crashing 100 ft 
  waterfall within minutes, fluctuating from hitting hard then disbelief.  As we
  learned of those killed, more hope was pulled together for those who hadn't
  been heard from even though we knew no news was bad news.  Norris Hall room 206 
  was hit hard, we lost 10 friends in that room and while there were 4 survivors,
  I'm not sure how they will survive.  I just dropped that class and my friend
  Dave, who never skips, skipped Monday b/c he had a paper to write for another 
  class.  Initially, we thought that maybe had we been there maybe we could have
  helped but there were brave men in that room, strong men, men who would have
  done anything they could.  When on Tuesday we had the last confirmations of the 
  dead, including Julia who sat to my right, Dan who sat behind me, and Matt who
  sat in front of me, I know Dave and I would have been helpless, too and 12
  would be dead.

  The media is starting to focus on the killer and administrative errors.  These 
  should be investigated but please focus on those who survived, those who did
  not, and the friends and families of those affected.  Because our department
  was hit so hard, we have had many memorials, small and large.  Please pray 
  especially for my friend Nathaniel who witnessed the whole thing and survived
  unscratched.  Like the book The Giver, he has sickening knowledge that he
  shares with those of us in the class and family members who lost sons and a 
  daughter to ease our pain and his own.  Our class was the first to be hit and
  the last.  Nathaniel lives with the images of all the fallen, the suffering
  that could have been prevented had the shooter not returned to the room to 
  shoot anyone moving, and the knowledge that some may have been saved had
  medical attention come sooner.  Unlike undergrad classes, no grad student sits
  in the back of the class.  Everyone is in the first few rows attentively taking 
  notes, which is why they were hit so quickly with no time to respond.  I am
  relieved to know that the prof did not suffer at all but am sickened by his
  images of those did.

  I want to share with you memories of my friends.  Dan, Jeremy, Juan, Matt, 
  Waleed, Brian, and I shared a large office together in 222 Patton Hall.  We
  didn't have cubes or anything, just a communal room with desks pushed up
  against the walls.  These good people were masters and PhD students studying 
  water resources, working on projects like river restoration, flood control, and
  watershed planning.

  Dan O'Neil- one of the youngest grad students in our department with dreams of
  Ireland and Boston.  He was psyched about my moving to Boston and always gave 
  me names of Boston friends, new places to eat, and I looked forward to him
  showing me around the city.  He loved the Beatles and as every college guitar
  player does, confessed to playing the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" over and 
  over.  He also was a huge Dave Sedaris fan and we often just sat on our office
  desks talking about Sedaris' wild stories.

  Jeremy Herbstritt- an enthusiastic student who was able to make people smile by
  just talking- he somehow acquired a surfer accent despite growing up on a farm 
  in Pennsylvania.  He was a great runner and always tried to inspire me to run a
  marathon.

  Jarrett Lane- a shy, intelligent undergrad taking the grad level course.  Even
  before all this, many of us admired his desire to take such tough grad classes 
  
  Julia Pryde- an enthusiastic new grad student who was passionate about
  protecting and restoring the environment to help the poor.  She traveled the
  world and was working on land erosion problems for villages in South America. 
  Her close friends say she could travel the world with her small backpack
  because her spirit was all she needed and she knew it- this was clear to all.
  
  Juan Ortiz-Ortiz- humble man from Puerto Rico with a good sense of humor.  He 
  was a newly wed and he and his wife (also a civil engineering student) would
  always warm up leftovers for lunch in our office- the good smells usually
  making us all start lunch earlier than we'd thought. They were a couple that 
  made you feel good.  When she saw me yesterday, she kept saying "I'm so happy
  you are alive" but I keep thinking how can she utter the words "happy"?  She is
  a strong woman and is still working though the awful bureaucracy for her to see 
  her husband's body.

  Brian Bluhm- very caring guy in my office who constantly asked me about friends
  and family after Katrina and was ready to help if I asked.  He was a sports fan
  and loved the Detroit Tigers.  He just got a job in Baltimore and was excited 
  about finding an apartment near his sister.

  Waleed Shaalan- an academic perfectionist.  I was a teaching assistant for him
  and he wouldn't rest until he fully understood why things were the way they
  were.  He was from Egypt and left behind a wife and a 1-and-half-year-old son 
  who he'd hoped to bring to the US next fall.  He was one of the best ping pong
  players during our November office tournament.  Last week, another friend was
  having a rough day and Waleed ran to his office and brought specially shipped 
  cookies from Egypt to share.  He always carried a well worn photo of his son in
  his wallet and loved it so much he had another friend in our office scan it so
  he could have more copies.

  Dr. GV Loganathan- the best professor I have ever had.  I also had him in 
  undergrad when I was at VT for a year and was his teaching assistant for fluid
  mechanics.  When I dropped the class, I expected the usual professor response
  (that being no response or simply "ok").  He wrote in the email "We will miss 
  you"- I remember thinking, wow- this is a true teacher.  Having taught for so
  long and teaching the foundation civil engineering courses, almost every civil
  engineer undergraduate from VT has been touched by him.

  Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan- called "Mora".  He was a quiet, humble man
  from Indonesia.  His family sacrificed everything for his education.  He
  received 2 masters and was inspired to be a teacher so was going for his PhD. 
  Many times, I'd look over to his side of the class and think of how he looked
  like a brave warrior.  In his death, he was as well.  When he was shot, he fell
  on the body of my good friend Guillermo (Gil). By falling on Gil, when the 
  killer came back, he heard Gil breathing but thought it was Mora so shot Mora
  more times.  Miraculously, Gil survived and within 24 hours the bullet in his
  head was removed and he was at home with his wife and 10 month old son.  Gil is 
  adamant about people knowing how Mora saved not only his life but the lives of
  Gil's son, wife, and parents.  Mora was a true warrior.

  And finally, Matt Gwaltney.  Everyone in this room was magnificent, respectful, 
  and remarkably intelligent but Matt hurts the most.  I know many good men in my
  life, but I have never so often had I thought "This is truly a good man".  He
  went to undergrad here and stayed for his Masters.  Knowing the department 
  well, he always took time to guide my class schedules, give advice on how
  professors give exams, was notorious for caring about his students (he would go
  to student's dorms on Saturday evenings to help with homework, etc).  He was the 
  biggest Hokie fan I'd ever met and rehashed every play from the previous
  weekend.  He and Juan had the idea of turning the big middle table into a ping
  pong table and setting up an elaborate bracket system tournament last November. 
  I was the only girl in the office and the water resources guys being
  stereotypical engineers, I tended to humor them.  A while ago I brought in
  acorns tops I'd picked up and put them on our windowsill.  Matt teased me a lot 
  about them but when our office was painted and we realized they'd tossed my odd
  collection in the trash- I was fine with this because they were just silly
  thing to keep- Matt immediately started digging the trash, found each one- 
  smiling with each new discovery.  I was so touched by his enthusiasm I kept
  them all.  He had character I would hope all sons of the world would have.
  
  As tragedies seem to do, the events on Monday reinforced lessons in life that we 
  all know but tend to forget.  We must get to know our neighbors at work, at
  home- the common thread of humanity binds us all and if we do not know our
  neighbors, we live in isolation and are not blessed by the many personalities 
  and vignettes that make life full.  Also, I hope that when I look back on days,
  I don't just think of the projects I worked on or deadlines, but focus on loved
  ones and moments throughout the day that made me smile.  I think this is yet 
  another reason to "live life to the fullest"- we cannot be frozen by fear.
  Many of the people in that class traveled the world, touching lives outside
  their comfort zone but enjoying every moment.  They didn't die in the jungle, 
  from contaminated water, or a street bomb but were killed in a class, learning
  about how water flows over land and benefits of streams.  Death can happen at
  anytime- if they hadn't experienced humanity, the lack would have made it even 
  harder.  I am especially touched by Dr. Librescu, who died saving students
  decades after surviving the Holocaust.

  It's difficult knowing so many killed at once.  I always think back to the last
  conversation of friends and family members I've lost.  Losing 10 in a few 
  minutes makes the conversations so hard because there are of all the
  interactions flowing through my head.  When I feel I've remembered one friend
  my mind drifts to the next.  My head knows that my questions of why these good 
  people died so violently will never be answered but my heart still searches for
  these answers.  I know my heart will come to my thoughts but it seems like an
  impossible meeting right now.  I hope that all of us have the courage to go to 
  counseling.

  During our department's ceremony for room 206, we had 10 white candles lit for
  the fallen and 6 candles lit for the #206 survivors (Lee, Chang Min, Gil,
  Nathaniel, Dave, and myself).  A few people at one of the memorials hadn't 
  heard I wasn't in class and their celebrating my life was very emotional as I
  had no idea they even thought about me.  Many times I wake up and think about
  what I have to do that day- writing a thesis, finishing homework, paying bills, 
  etc and sometimes have the sense that today will probably not mean much in the
  broad scheme of things.  But seeing my green candle lit, I now know I have a
  purpose.  I don't know why we were spared but we carry the hopes and dreams of 
  our slain friends- to live some of their dreams is all of our purpose.
  
  I know this is going to be the hardest time in my life but I hope that one day
  my other friends and I can truly sing a song from my childhood.  I have looked 
  to this song in other times of need and especially with the water connection of
  my friends, I especially like it now  "Peace is flowing like a river. Flowing
  out through you and me. Spreading out into the desert. Setting all the captives 
  free."

  The thoughts and prayers from you all are much appreciated.  While I feel
  helpless, I know I am not alone and have support across the world.  All of us
  at Tech have felt the global unity and we are moved by it. 
  
  Please remember my friends and the other fallen, thank you.

  

  April 19, 2007

  Sabine’s been here for 24 hours now.  We’ve laughed and cried.  Hopefully the “Hotel Careyfornia” has provided as peaceful a respite as possible after such horror.  Sorry I haven’t been able to post, but I will fill you all in soon.  Thanks…

  Thanks to Tyson too…because of him, my blog had 300% more traffic than this time last week.  That boy has a lot of fans, who came to my blog in droves to hear a first hand account from someone whose life will be forever changed by this nightmare.  Let’s focus more on the victims, their friends and families and the survivors.  Stop with the pictures and video manifesto of some poor tortured soul.  And finally, thanks to Reid Collins.

  ---

  And from sweet Marcelo:

  Lovely Bine!  I am glad you were able to enjoy the colorful walls of another of your Diversi homes :)  I confess I don’t have wisdom to share with you about death and its timing.  I am quite a brute in such matters.  To me, fairness is a lovely social construct, a fantastic ideal for us to chase to the end of times, but far from being part of the natural order of life.  And I have definite proof of this hypothesis:  If life operated based on fairness laws, you, Bine Bine, wouldn’t have a single day of sadness in your whole life; you wouldn’t experience a single chill from being cold; your feet and hands would only sweat outside of shoes and gloves; your boyfriend would be a shiny chubby dolphin; the shampoos you sent Jorge Diversi would actually be used instead of worshiped; and you would never have to love across theAtlantic ocean again. 

  Because you are kindness in human form.  Because you impersonate, in my mind, the notion of thoughtfulness.  If life were fair, you would not lose a single pair of sunglasses your whole life.  For whatever it’s worth to you, I think the timing of Cho’s decision to act is based on HIS singular experience of the world.  As we, humans, are very connected via intersections of our singular experiences of the world, dramatic spillovers of one’s singulare xperience of the world onto these intersections of human connections inevitably drag innocent lives down.  This happens from the molecular level to the most macro of human social levels, as you, a biologist,well know. 

  In my humble opinion, you got lucky it was Monday and not Tuesday.  We, who know and admire you, got lucky.  I do not minimize the uncontrollable stream of thought you mention about all the “ifs” your mind can come up with.  I feel sad for the unlucky ones.  I feel sad for the unlucky ones’ friends and families.  I confess I even feel sad for Cho, and more so for his family!  I can hardly breathe with the thought of carrying such guilt and shame when I think about his parents.  I believe that you, unlike Cho’s parents, had nothing to do with Cho’s experience of the world until your lives randomly intersected on April 16th, 2007.  It reminds me of the great historical hero and existential philosopher, Frodo Baggins, who was thrown into a hellish adventure without asking for one.  All he wanted was to drink beer and eat two breakfasts every day in the Shire.  I have no doubt you will carry the ring with the same humble courage.  Tight loving hugs, marcelo

  • 8:14 pm
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