November 15, 2007

• “Take the acid out of your soul” – Vomiting eFax

           

         

  I know I said I was too busy to blog this week, but this is too good not to post.  You can’t make this shit up.  Basically I’ve had a free fax number from eFax for 10 years. I decided to respond to a special free trial they were offering to allow me to receive faxes as PDF’s.  Then today, I got an email from them telling me they were raising the price of the PDF service to $16.95 a month (before I had even started paying for it).  So, I decided I didn’t want it, but found no place on their website to cancel.  My options were to use their “live chat” or to call or email Customer Support.  I chose the “chat” option, and this is what happened.  Apologies in advance to all Bangladeshis.  If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m very good at getting what I want.  (If you don’t believe me, ask a couple of Xanga employees, LOL.)  I’m such a bitch!  LOL  (Apologies for the length!)
  

  
  

  

  Welcome to chat.

  The session has been accepted.

   

  {- Shane P.} Hello, Carey. Welcome to j2 Global online support. I am Shane, your online Live Support Representative. How may I assist you? 

  {Carey} Please cancel my Plus membership and refund my remaining balance, but keep my existing number 

  {- Shane P.} I’m sorry to hear that you wish to leave our services. Could you please provide me with your Fax number and PIN associated with your account for verification? 

  {Carey} 413-208-9536 xxxx

  I just want to leave the Plus service and go back to the free service with my same #. 

  {- Shane P.} Thank you for providing your information. Please give me a moment while I go through your records. In the meantime, please type the number corresponding to your reason for cancellation:

  1) Moving to another provider

  2) Bought a Fax machine

  3) Business or role changed

  4) Short term project completed

  5) Financial reasons

  6) Problems with Faxing or Billing

  7) Dissatisfied with Quality of service

  8) Too Costly 

  {Carey} 5 

  {- Shane P.} Appreciate your feedback. Please give me a moment. 

  {- Shane P.} Thank you for waiting. I have just located and verified your account. 

  {- Shane P.} Unfortunately our network architecture does not allow an eFax Plus number to be converted to Free. When you contact us to request a downgrade, your Plus number will be cancelled, and you may sign up for a new eFax Free account from our website, efax.com after the closure of your eFax number. 

  {Carey} that’s not true 

  {Carey} I’ve already researched this online 

  {Carey} and you’re wrong 

  {Carey} so transfer me to a supervisor 

  {Carey} immediately 

  {- Shane P.} In that case, I suggest you to contact our Customer Support over the phone at 1-323-817-3205 (Available 24*7), as they will be able to assist you better with your issue. 

  {- Shane P.} Please do not select any option or extension when you call. Please wait for our Customer Service representative to attend your call. They would be able to assist you further. 

  {Carey} I am prepared to list this chat on my blog which gets over 10,000 hits a day. I will make sure no one uses your service ever again. (Editors Note: OK, I fudged the hits a little, LOL)
  

  {Carey} I don’t want to call. Your website directed me here, you are customer service, so serve me. If you can’t, find someone who can. I’ve wasted enough time 

  {Carey} If you’d like I will forward you a copy of the Consumer Bill of Rights 

  {Carey} You cannot rape your customers, it is against the law 

  {Carey} Please cancel the Plus membership as requested, keep the same # I’ve had for over 10 years, and refund my unused balance immediately 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, this department is basically for cancellation of fax account. 

  {Carey} that’s not what your website says 

  {Carey} so get someone to help me 

  {- Shane P.}  If you have any issues, I suggest you to contact our Billing Department over the phone, as they will be able to assist you better with your issue. 

  {Carey} nope 

  {Carey} please do as I said 

  {Carey} this is going on my blog as we speak 

  {Carey} if you don’t want that negative publicity, I suggest you do as I asked 

  {Carey} immediately 

  {Carey} I’m prepared to stay here all night…I’ve got my laptop on my sofa, and I’m not going anywhere until you cancel my plus account, refund my unused fee, and keep my existing # that I’ve had for 10 years. PERIOD 

  {- Shane P.} You can also e-mail to our e-mail teem at help@mail.efax.com as they will get back to you within 24 hours. 

  {Carey}  Trust me, you do not want the negative publicity this will cause you

  {Carey} for example:

  http://www.idealog.us/2007/03/web_services_th.html 

  {Carey} and that’s not even mine…it’s just another consumer who felt raped by your greedy corporate politics 

  {Carey} I am a human being. I deserve the same respect that you do. How do you sleep with yourself at night, knowing you work for a company that is responsible for the misery of thousands of people? 

  {- Shane P.} Alright, I respect your decision and will cancel your number immediately. This is the affirmative confirmation that your account has just been cancelled. 

  {- Shane P.} I’m sorry that you are leaving eFax. At eFax, we are continuously improving our products and services. Please do consider us if your faxing needs should change in the future.   

  {- Shane P.} Please be assure that, I have cancelled your account as of today 11/14/2007 to respect your request. 

  {Carey} I did not request that you cancel my # 

  {Carey} Don’t you dare do that 

  {Carey}  So is my plus canceled now? and my existing # still works? 

  {Carey} I have a transcript of this, and I never told you to cancel my whole account. Read up. 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, please be assure that I have cancelled your eFax number 14132089536 we cannot guarantee, you will be assigned the same number as before, since all inactive numbers are eventually returned to our system for reassignment 

  {Carey} You better not have canceled my # 

  {Carey} Read the first sentence of this chat 

  {Carey} I have 5000 business cards with that # 

  {Carey} You cannot cancel it 

  {Carey} I’ve had that # for 10 years 

  {Carey} and I’m not giving it up 

  {Carey} PERIOD 

  {Carey} confirm 

  {Carey} What is the name of your supervisor, and their # 

  {Carey} I’ll be back in a minute, I’m going to go vomit 

  {- Shane P.} Please give me a moment. 

  {Carey} OK, I’m back, now where were we? Oh yeah, you were confirming that my existing fax # still works, that you’ve canceled the PLUS portion of the account, and REFUNDED my remaining balance 

  {Carey} This is going to look amazing on my blog…I’m afraid people will think it’s a joke, but you can’t make this crap up. It’s the most disgusting display of corporate greed I’ve ever seen in my life. 

  {Carey} I feel some more throw up coming…brb 

  {Carey} oooh, false alarm 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, there is only one number in this account which is 14132089536 as this number is under 30 day trial period there is no refund applicable, however if you have any other number that will remain active. 

  {Carey} I only have that # 

  {Carey} and I need to keep that # 

  {- Shane P.} If you could provide me the e-mail address with which the account is registered and also provide me with the last 4 digits of your credit card account on which you are charged for this account for verification purposes. 

  {Carey} careygly@gmail.com 

  {Carey} xxxx are the last 4 digits 

  {- Shane P.}  Please give me a moment. 

  {Carey} please hurry, my mouth tastes acidy 

  {- Shane P.} Please be online with us. 

  {Carey} what do you mean “please be online with us” 

  {Carey} has the stench of greed in your office gone to your head? It sounds like gibberish to me. What are you talking about? 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, I will keep your eFax number 14132089536 active without making any changes, however you will not be charged for the monthly fee for this account as it is under 30 day trial period. 

  {Carey} ok, that’s good…was that so hard?? 

  {Carey} I mean, it’s not like you’re curing cancer, right? 

  {Carey} Why on EARTH do you make it so miserable for your CUSTOMERS? 

  {Carey} It’s the worst business model in the world. 

  {Carey} So, let’s confirm: 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, after the completion of your 30 day trial period you will be charged the regular monthly fee only if you wish to cancel. 

  {Carey} Huh? 

  {Carey} What regular monthly fee? 

  {Carey} I just told you I don’t want the Plus service 

  {Carey} 30 days or not 

  {Carey} I want it gone, now 

  {- Shane P.} The eFax Plus account has a monthly fee of $16.95. This monthly fee of $16.95 goes toward the maintenance of your account in our records and does not depend on the usage of your account. This amount will be charged every month to your credit card irrespective of whether you use the services of your account to send or receive faxes. This charges will be made until your account is active in our records. 

  {Carey} and I want to keep the same # 

  {Carey} I refuse to let you take one cent of my money 

  {Carey} I don’t want the Plus account. I want the FREE account I’ve had for 10 years. 

  {- Shane P.} Unfortunately our network architecture does not allow an eFax Plus number to be converted to Free. When you contact us to request a downgrade, your Plus number will be cancelled, and you may sign up for a new eFax Free account from our website, efax.com after the closure of your eFax number. 

  {Carey} That’s a lie 

  {Carey} That greed must really be messing with your head. Why don’t you go outside and get some air, and let your supervisor chat with me for a while, because I’m obviously not getting through to you.

  {Carey} I’ve researched this, and your “network architecture” DOES allow you to do this. 

  {Carey} It’s your corporate politics that don’t. 

  {Carey} Take your head out of the Customer Service manual for one minute, and SERVICE me. After all, I AM the customer. 

  {Carey} Network Architecture huh?  That’s rich. I assume you have a hotkey to type that nonsense? Who do you think you’re talking to? An 80 year old woman in Hoboken? 

  {Carey} Maybe I’m not making myself clear enough. Do you speak English? 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, I won’t be able to help you, however for further assistance I suggest you to contact our Customer Support over the phone at 1-323-817-3205, as they will be able to assist you better with your issue as they have more rights then us.

  {Carey} What am I thinking, of course you don’t speak English! 

  {Carey} You’re probably in Bangladesh or God knows where. 

  {Carey} You should know that outsourcing American jobs during a time of WAR is tantamount to treason. 

  {Carey} Why would I call Customer Support, when I’ve got you here and I’m the customer and you’re here to support me?  

  {Carey} Let’s review, shall we? 

  {Carey} This was the first sentence of this chat:

  {Carey} Please cancel my Plus membership and refund my remaining balance, but keep my existing number 

  {Carey} So, now, 30 minutes later, what have you done for me??? 

  {Carey} I’m guessing the answer is NOTHING, but please enlighten me. 

  {Carey} Oh wait, did I call the “Customer No Support Department”? 

  {Carey} Nope…just checked it…It says Customer Support. Hmmmmm 

  {Carey} OK, I’m going to the refrigerator to get a glass of milk to get rid of the acidic taste in my mouth. Too bad you guys don’t have something in your refrigerator there in Bangladesh to take the acid out of your SOULS! 

  {Carey} Ahhhhhhhhh, that helped. OK, I’m back, now where were we? 

  {Carey} Oh yeah, you were supposed to be telling me what you’ve accomplished in the last 40 minutes… 

  {Carey} Remember the initial request?

  {Carey} Please cancel my Plus membership and refund my remaining balance, but keep my existing number 

  {- Shane P.} You had upgraded to 30 day paid number and our system does not allow a paid number to be converted to a free number. As your account is under a free trial you will not be charged any monthly fee during this free trail. If you wish to use your account you can use it for this 30 day without paying any monthly fee, after the 30 day is over you will be charged the monthly fee. 

  {Carey} I’m not paying a monthly fee. Do you want to start over? 

  {Carey} I’d be happy to copy and paste…like I said, I’ve got all night, and I’m quite comfortable, save for the lingering vomit in the back of my throat. 

  {Carey} By the way, you never gave me the name of your supervisor. Still waiting… 

  {- Shane P.} If you want to convert this paid number into a free number, then you can call our customer service department over the phone at 1-323-817-3205 or e-mail us at help@mail.efax.com 

  {Carey} Why should I have to do that? 

  {Carey} When you can do it for me? 

  {Carey} Remember? Me: Customer

  You: Customer Service

  It’s not rocket science dude 

  {- Shane P.} I can either cancel this number or you can keep this account for a one-time non-refundable fee of $6.95 for 90 days instead of paying $16.95 every month. 

  {- Shane P.} It’s just $6.95 for 3 months instead of $16.95 per month. 

  {Carey} WRONG! I am not paying you one red cent. And I will make sure that no one who reads my blog does either. 

  {Carey} You’ve got some guts I must admit…trying to SELL me something at this point in our relationship???  You’d have had more luck actually raping me. 

  {Carey} How DARE you!! 

  {- Shane P.} I am sorry there are rules that need to be followed and I will not be able to convert the 30 day trial account to a free number. These are only the option that are available or you can contact our customer support over the phone at 1-323-817-3205 

  {Carey} Nope, I don’t accept your answer. Either figure out how to bend the “rules” or let me chat with your supervisor, or have them call me right now. 

  {- Shane P.} Carey, please be online with us, while I transfer you to our supervisor. 

  {Carey} Do they REALLY have you so brainwashed that you actually BELIEVE you can’t convert a trial account with a free number I’ve had for 10 years, back to a free account? 

  {Carey} Dude, you really need to get some air. If the flight to Bangladesh wasn’t so long, I’d come myself and rush you to the hospital. 

  {Carey} And there you go again with that “please be online with us” mumbo jumbo. Newsflash: That sentence makes NO SENSE. 

  The session has been transferred.

  {Frank D.} Hello, Carey. I am Frank. 

  {Carey} I’ll give you a minute to catch up Frank, and read every word I’ve written in the last 45 minutes. After that I expect to read one sentence from you, and that sentence should say, “Thank you Carey, I’ve reviewed this case, and I will be converting your account BACK to a free account and you can keep your existing number. Thank you for your business. Love, Frank:

  OK, you can leave out the love part, but you get the idea. Waiting… 

  {Frank D.} I have read the chat. I am sorry we will not me able to convert your paid number into a free number. 

  {Carey} Then transfer me to someone who can. I’ve got all night. 

  {Carey} Plus I’m blogging as we speak…you guys are looking REALLY bad at this point! 

  {Frank D.} You can call our customer care at 1-323-817-3205 or send us and email to help@mail.efax.com 

  {Carey} By the way, you’re a quick reader…you must have a high school education? Very impressive. So hopefully you’ll be able to cut the corporate nonsense and do as I asked. I am NOT calling Customer Service (or is it Support, or is it CARE?). So, read up, and do as I asked. 

  {Frank D.} I sorry Carery, but a 30 day paid number can not be changed back into a free number. 

  {Carey} Wanna bet? 

  {Carey} Seriously, how much? 

  {Carey} Because I GUARANTY you that it can. 

  {Carey} and that you are wrong 

  {Carey} so why don’t we skip the bull, and you can start “caring” for me. 

  {Carey} By the way, my name isn’t Carery, it’s Carey. 

  {Carey} But, why should I expect you to “care” enough about me to even get my name right? 

  {Carey} I feel more VOMIT coming on….brb 

  {Frank D.} Carey, I appreciate your sense of humor, but I am really sorry. We can not change paid number to and free number. 

  {Carey}  Phew, that was a gross one…I had meatloaf for lunch. Anyway, I’m back. Where were we? 

  {Carey} You ain’t seen nothing yet…I’m here all week. Now, let’s make a deal. You “can’t” use the words “can’t” or “cannot” the rest of your CAREER, and I’ll try not to VOMIT for the rest of this session. Deal? 

  {Frank D.} I am sorry, Carery. I suggest you to call Customer Care Department at 1-323-817-3205. 

  {Carey} The fact of the matter is that you CAN convert a paid number to a free number. It’s a few simple clicks of your mouse. If you can’t do it, transfer me to someone who can. 

  {Carey} I’m not calling anybody. I shouldn’t have to. I’ve already wasted an hour of my life I will never get back. 

  {Carey} So figure it out…or transfer me to someone who can. 

  {Carey} By the way, besides being posted on my blog, I’m sending this transcript to all the major business news outlets, as well as the Better Business Bureau and the Consumer Protection Agency…so keep chatting away…again, I’ve got all night 

  {Carey} By the way, I’ll need the name of your supervisor as well. Correct spelling please. 

  {Frank D.} Carery, please try to understand, if you upgrade to a free number to and paid number it can not be converted back to free number. How ever I am giving you 2 options, you can call Customer Care Department at 1-323-817-3205 or, if you don’t want to call you can send us an email to help@mail.efax.com 

  {Frank D.} Over the chat we can not convert a paid number into a free number. 

  {Carey} Why do I have to “try to understand”? You’re the one who needs to try to understand. I am your customer. I’ve used this fax # for 10 years. I have 5000 business cards with this # on it. I get an email from you today, saying you’re increasing the price of something I just wanted a FREE trial for to see how I liked it, and you’re telling me you can’t switch it back “over chat”???? 

  {Carey} Then WHY, pray tell, was that not the FIRST response to the FIRST question I asked over an hour ago!!!!!!??????? 

  {Carey} This is UNACCEPTABLE. 

  {Carey} You’ve now wasted over an hour of my time to tell me something you should have told me an hour ago. 

  {Carey} You CANNOT keep chatting with someone for over an hour, just to tell them they should have called or emailed in the first place. 

  {Carey} It’s deceptive, it’s immoral, and it’s quite frankly it’s disgusting. 

  {Carey} If it has to be done over the phone, or email, then YOU do it. You have my #, my PIN, and my credit card (Oh God, I hope I don’t see a charge on my next bill for Bangladesh Bar & Grill). So, you’ve WASTED my time, now FIX it. 

  {Frank D.} Shane did tell you that our system can not change and paid number back to and free number. He had to ask for the fax number and PIN first to verify the account. 

  {Carey} Read what you just wrote: 

  {Frank D.} I am sorry for the typo. 

  {Carey} Shane may have told me that he couldn’t do it, but he did NOT tell me that it couldn’t be done over “chat” like you just told me. 

  {Carey} I know that English probably isn’t your first language, but what you wrote implies that since it can’t be done over “chat” that it can be done via phone or email… 

  {Carey} if that’s the case, then why wasn’t I told that 75 minutes ago??? 

  {Carey} Shane was clearly negligent, and I’m at the point now where I’m ready to forward this to an attorney. How DARE you!? 

  {Carey} So, FIX it. If you need to call, call. I’m not going to. Let me know when this is resolved. I will wait. 

  {Frank D.} Okay, Carey, I will try to change your number back to a free number. 

  {Carey} BINGO!  That’s a good start… 

  {Frank D.} I will need to review you account. 

  {Frank D.}  Please give me a minute. 

  {Carey} But remember, I’m just sitting on my couch eating bon bons and watching TV. I’ve got all the time in the world. I suspect you are evaluated by the length of time it takes you to resolve support issues on these chats. I suspect also, that longer chats are reviewed by your superiors. A customer “care” rep. who can’t handle a lot of chats in an hour might not look good to his superiors, especially in the booming Bangladeshi job market…but I’m waiting, so take your time 

  {Carey} You still there Franky? 

  {Frank D.} Please give me a moment. 

  {Carey} OK 

  {Frank D.} I have changed your paid number back to an eFax free number. 

  {Carey} Thank you very much. Why in the world was that SO difficult?? 

  {Carey} Hopefully you people will learn from this, and not make other customers have to go to such lengths to not pay you their hard earned money! 

  {Frank D.} Carey, since you have been a very old customer, I had to bend a few rules. 

  {Carey} I just got the email telling me about my free account, so thank you again. I trust there will be no charges on my credit card, correct? 

  {Carey} Rules are meant to be bent! Thank you. 

  {Frank D.} We can not convert paid numbers back free. I could only do it with the help of my network team. 

  {Carey} It takes a village. 

  {Frank D.} Please to go through this page. 

  {Frank D.} http://home.efax.com/customerAgreements/efax/customerAgreement.html 

  {Carey} So are we done? No charges to my credit card right? If so, thank you. Have a good evening, and I hope you can sleep tonight knowing you decided to crack the corporate greed mold one time. I’m going to go brush my teeth now, my breath smells of corporate puke and my back end really hurts. Good night. 

  {Frank D.} Yes, Carey. Is there anything else I can assist you with? 

  {Carey} Nope, I’m good. Ciao 

  {Frank D.} Bye and take care. 

  The user has ended the session.

  Incidentally, the whole time we were chatting, this bitch was moving back and forth across the screen telling me to chat with her about eFax Plus!  The nerve!

  

  Fuck corporate America!!!

   

  
  

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  ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
  “A new poll shows that 50 percent of Americans oppose issuing a driver’s license to illegal aliens, while 100 percent oppose issuing one to Britney Spears.” — Newsweek satire columnist Andy Borowitz.

   

  • 5:31 am
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