February 19, 2009

• Sick & Hilarious Humanity (& Women Drivers)

  Question:  What do gay Chinese butts, women peeing, & Obama beauty queens all have in common?

  Answer:  They’re all  Google search terms that have brought traffic to my blog in the past 3 days.

  
  

    

  Gizmodo recently reported some strange Google search stats.  They found that, according to Google’s search engine, 303,000 people out there were “extremely terrified of Chinese people“. (Just for the record, I’m not one of them!)  Then they delved deeper into humanity’s brain, and came up with this list.  (Go to the US version of Google, and type what is in bold to find the following):
  

  • 5,310,000 pages from people asking or answering: How to get pregnant.
  • 69,400,000 people asking How to make money.
  • 32,600,000: How to get over someone.
  • 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me.
  • 841,000: I have a large cat in my pants.
  • 3,300,000: I have a large uterus.
  • 256,000,000: I want to die.
  • 112,000: I have a lovely bunch of coconuts.
  • 3,160,000: Why do I fart so much.
  • 528,000: Why do indians smell.
  • 63,500,000: Why do I sleep so much.
  • 680,000: Why do I have green poop.
  • 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
  • 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
  • 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
  • 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
  • 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
  • 456,000: Why do men have nipples.
  • 6,000,000: Why men don’t call.
  • 8,380,000: Why men lie.
  • 11,000,000: Why women have affairs.
  • 36,500,000: Why women lie.
  • 94,200,000: Why Obama should be president.
  • 19,100,000: Why Obama should not be president.
  • 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
  • 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
  • 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party.
  • 818,000: I think im pregnant.
  • 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.
  • Almost 800,000,000: Who do I vote for.
  • 4,980,000: I want a new drug.
  • 114,000,000: I want a wife.
  • 783,000: I have one testicle.
  • 21,900,000: I have one more drink.
  • 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
  • 320,000: I have three testicles.
  • 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
  • 610,000: I have four sides, all opposite sides are parallel, I have no right angles. What am I.
  • 159,000,000: When to work.
  • 126,000,000: When to say I love you.
  • 2,730,000: Sleep is for sissies.
  • 2,890,000: I smell like poop.
  • 1,510,000: What is a recession.
  • 1,400,000: I have a hard time swallowing.
  • 338,000: I have a big bag of crabs here.
  • 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge.

  I get a lot of visitors to my blog through weird and interesting Google searches too.  Here is just a sample of people who came to my blog in the past three days through odd search terms.  You can click on the search to go to my resulting blog entry:  

  
  

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  Someone in Luxembourg searched for “Cool Gay Chinese Butts” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Germany searched for “The customer smells of smoke is it my place to comment?” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Ireland searched for “Abba the best of the rest” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone somewhere searched for “Obama Beauty Queen” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Korea searched for “Kyopo Jokes” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in California searched for “Dog Ate My Homework Photo” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Germany searched for “Gay Traffic” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Australia searched for “Peeing Women Photographs” and got this:

  
   
  

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  Someone in the United Arab Emirates searched for “Gay Latino Butts” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone somewhere searched for “Stop Animal Killers in England” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Massachusetts searched for “West Hollywood Fire” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone somewhere searched for “Women Drivers Bulgaria Video” and got this:  **

  
  
  

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  Someone in California searched for “Prettiest City in the US” and got this:

  

  
  

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  Someone in Colorado searched for “Cube in a Kaleidoscope” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Someone in Thailand searched for “Asian Gay” and got this:
   
  
  

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  Someone in India (and 18 other places in the past three days) searched for “Whale Dicks” and got this:

  
  
  

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  Remember, that’s just from the past three days, and it’s only a sampling of my Footprints!

  Whale dicks you ask?  Well, I happen to be the #1 Google Search for whale dicks.  Why?  2 years ago, I posted an obscure article about a beached whale that was being transported through the streets of Taipei.  Apparently, methane gas had built up in the carcass and the whale exploded, leaving its entrails and yes, its five foot penis, littered through the streets of Taipei.  I get hundreds of Google hits a month from people all over the world Googling “whale dick”.  So much so that I changed the title of that entry from 2007, to “Stop Googling Five Foot Whale Dicks“, and added some of my favorite blog entries to the post.  Yet, they still come in droves!

  

  **And finally, while I was typing this entry tonight about sick humanity, once again I heard a loud crash outside my window.  I looked out to see a gray Porsche squealing away and walked outside to find this:

  

  She had crashed into my garage gate and sped away.  It must have been a woman, because she couldn’t drive a stick shift.  You may remember a few weeks ago (as one of the above Google searches shows), the Bulgarian woman who crashed her car into my front lawn?  You may also remember the dumb bitch from a couple of years ago who took out the garage across the street with her truck.  What is it with women drivers in West Hollywood??  Oh yeah, they drive like this:

  
  Back in August, 2007 I saw this obnoxious Hollywood wombat, driving with her foot out the window, while smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone!  Are you fu**ing kidding me!!??  She barely noticed my flash going off as I took the picture and gave her the most disgusted look I could muster.  This girl symbolizes nearly everything I hate in life!  Let’s face it, would you ever see a man doing this?  I thought not.

  • 2:58 am
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