May 9, 2009
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Young, Gay & Dead
I’ve been thinking about bullies a lot lately. Last week I heard about this study on NPR:
Keiko Fujisawa, from Keio University in Japan, filmed the interactions of three- and four-year-olds at a local preschool. She identified two distinct social networks. One, The Good Boys’-And-Girls’ Club, consisted of sociable kids who did NICE things.
The other, The Bad, contained aggressive and disruptive kids.
Then Fujisawa modeled and analyzed the influence of each child on the integrity of the mini society. She did this by removing certain children – say, Bully Number One – from the model and re-simulating the interactions among the rest.
Deleting Good Kids never affected either social network. Removing a Bad Kid, however, DID.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t a positive change. Taking away the bad seeds actually led to the breakup of the GOOD Group.
That is, the mere PRESENCE of diapered despots kept the Good Kids united. . . even IF like a nervous flock of pigeons.
And THAT means that bullies actually PROMOTE overall classroom harmony.
I meant to ask Marcelo about this when I Skyped with him last week, but I forgot. (This subject is closely tied to his field of study.) While it makes sense that bullies serve some purpose in the grand evolutionary plan (just like gay sheep); the recent drastic increase in teen (and pre-teen) suicide is indeed alarming. Last weekend, I read Peggy Orenstein’s piece in the New York Times Magazine entitled “The Way We Live Now“. It basically posits that our children’s youth is being stolen by adult agendas. The chart to the left says it all. Coincidentally, Oprah’s show last night was all about bullying. She had an expert on that claimed the Bush Administration’s insistence on “No Child Left Behind“, has pushed testing and literacy agendas to the brink. Just look at what our kindergartners are doing in school. In order to receive funding, teachers must spend all their time focusing on test scores, even in children as young as 5. Sadly, bullying is becoming rampant, and it’s not just on the playground anymore. It’s online…as the case of Ryan Halligan shows. His father was also on Oprah last night; and the sad story of his son who was bullied to death for being gay was recently profiled on Frontline:The recent rash of boys hanging themselves over anti gay taunts is truly alarming. From Oprah:
The Truth About Bullying
Bullying takes place in every school and playground in our country. But what some parents see as a typical challenge of growing up is becoming more serious than ever before.
On April 6, 2009, 11-year-old Carl Walker-Hoover’s family says he hanged himself after enduring bullying. Just 10 days later, 11-year-old Jaheem Herrera, another victim of bullying, took his own life, according to his family.
Carl’s and Jaheem’s mothers are speaking out in hopes that what they say happened to their sons will never happen to another child. “Today begins a national conversation on bullying,” Oprah says. Read more…
The more we ostracize and separate gay people in our society, the more we model this behavior for our children. The problem was also highlighted last year when Newsweek did a cover story on another boy who was murdered here in Oxnard, for being gay:
As Orenstein wrote, “When I was a (child in kindergarten), we danced the hokey-pokey, swooned in suspense over (Duck, Duck, Goose) and napped on our mats until the Wake-Up Fairy set us free.” Yes, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about. That’s all it should ever be about when you’re five.”
Update: http://careygly.tumblr.com/post/619238040/this-is-the-saddest-thing-ive-read-in-a-long-time
On a much lighter and brighter note, and speaking of the hokey pokey, my cousin Andy knows all about it. He’s such a bright light in our lives. I wish he could stay 4 forever!
Our Thursday family dinner tonight
Comments (16)
This touched me in a lot of ways…. I think what’s scary to me about these cases is the misunderstandings. I am openly bisexual, have been for years but it has never been frowned upon that I know of. But, I have a baby. I am a lot more conservative now, and I really just don’t even think about attempting to raise her in a same sex home. And I think about how I will feel if she tells me she is a lesbian and I know I will be fine but worried. Will someone hurt her because of what and who she is? It’s scary. When a young man comes out at such a young age, one of the victims was 15 and out, and he hits on a classmate, that’s when the misunderstandings come in. It’s okay for young people to be gay and flambouyant but… I wonder why no one is teaching them that into today’s world hitting on straight boys at your school will only lead to torment and possibly violence. I don’t know, it seems like it’s a gap, a communication gap. People don’t know what to say or what to do about this. If my 15 year old son was gay I tell myself I would talk to him about being respectful and not “pushing” who is his on people who might be uncomfortable with it, ie flirting with straight guys openly. I don’t know, i am writing this and I worry I sound insensitive when I am actually very sad about this, I just want to know what can be done to help fix this issue.
Yes, the virtual absence of creative play is abhorant in public schools. Wow, that is the first I’ve heard about the remove-the-bully study! I’m not sure I agree with the implications of the results (“bullies actually PROMOTE overall classroom harmony”). I think there is something else at play, and I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I’ll get back to you. Thanks for sharing!
I noticed the press is starting to cover this topic much more frequent than before…
Your ‘little’ cousin is quite tall for his tender age (4)!! So cute!!
growing up in a liberal university town i suspect sometimes gives me a false sense of reality. being gay in my school is no big deal. maybe if i were gay i’d have a different take on it, but i don’t think i’m wrong on this one. i mean there are some guys that are exceedingly flamboyant and we all get a chuckle at them but i think theyre looking for it. but i’m sure youre right about the majority of high schools in the US. it’s not a stretch to imagine that there are depressing numbers of harmful homophobics in other high schools.
I guess we all require some form of bad and evil in this world to keep us on our toes.
Very interesting!
Andy is only 4?! Whoa- I thought he was much older!
so much
@cocainecupcakes - Thanks for your candor. I’m not a parent, but I’m sure perspectives change when you have your own child. All parents just want what’s best for their children and want as easy a life as possible for them. All of these cases are truly tragic. Happy Mother’s Day
@sethrocker - Thanks Seth. I’m not sure how I feel about the bully study either. I’m interested in getting some expert opinions from my friends, who are smarter than me!
@curry69curry - Yep, he’s a big boy. He went to the dentist today and did great!
@curtainsopen - Yep, where I live it’s the same way. I sometimes forget there’s a whole other world out there, full of homophobes and racists
@Fongster8 - Yep, it’s kind of interesting from an evolutionary standpoint. I’m kind of a bully when I drive. I wonder if that makes other drivers better?
@Dezinerdreams - Yep, he’s just a baby!
@mr_faust - Indeed
@pukemeister - Thanks! We love Andy. Have a good weekend.
Carey, what a great study to post and how intriguing and heart breaking to read the rest of the blog. Thank you for posting it.
ANDY and DAVIS!! How wonderful to have kids like these in our lives. They own the world it seems.
This post is so sad (well, aside from how adorable Andy is!). I have a friend whose son is being harassed on a daily basis for being gay…although he says he is not, these boys torment him constantly, daily, and are quite aggressive in their behavior. I ended up cutting his hair the other night because it was long and everyone teased him more for that. After it was done he came up to me with tears of joy at how much he loved his new “do” and couldn’t wait to go back to school with his new hip hair! I pray the kids lighten up….I seriously believe they have no idea the damage that is being done…and for what? :( Thanks for your post!
@ZSA_MD - I’m glad you found it interesting. Thanks!
@lv2skrp - That breaks my heart. How old is the boy? If you ever want me to talk to the mom, just ask. xo
I’ll never understand how some people can have so much stupidity and prejudice.
Anyway, interesting study, Carey. That’s interesting about removing the bad kid. I would not have thought that the good kids would not stay together without a bad kid.
@pxlspy01 - You and me both CJ…it’s hard to understand such things. Makes me sad!
Just because Ryan Halligan was called gay doesn’t mean he was. You need to do more research before calling a person gay. Ryan killed himself because he was called gay and it was insulting to him, maybe it was insulting because he may not have been gay and didn’t like being wrongfully labeled. And here you are continuing the bullying on Ryan after his death. This article should spell it out for you, the Dad says here that he will never know if his son was gay so if he didn’t know, you definitely don’t know! .http://www.watermarkonline.com/w-news/orlando/item/532-john-halligan-parent-and-anti-bullying-advocate
@hunter12ru - It makes no difference whether he was gay, straight or purple. The bullying was wrong.
I never said the bullying wasn’t wrong. In fact I hope the bullies will bear the guilt always. They obviously had crappy parents who didn’t teach them the golden rule, to treat others as you want to be treated. I have the greatest respect for Ryan’s Dad for doing what he’s doing and also for forgiving the bullies because I doubt I would have been able to do the same.With that being said, you are still wrong for calling Ryan gay as a fact. As far as anyone knew he wasn’t but then again you can never truly know what goes on inside a person unless they open up and he did not identify himself as such so we shouldn’t either. What we know was that he was a handsome, sensitive young man who was loved by many and that his death has left a huge void.