OK, let me rephrase that.  I officiated a wedding ceremony for my first cousin yesterday. 

The event went off without a hitch, save for me forgetting the exchange of the rings before I pronounced them husband and wife.  Minor detail.  Since I was busy performing the ceremony, there’s no viral video of the event.  (I’m usually the one video recording and snapping photos at family events.  I did threaten to attach a “preacher cam” around my neck prior to the ceremony, but in the end opted for decorum.  LOL.) 

The wedding was at Heisler Park in Laguna Beach and the whole thing took about 5 minutes.  I was warned to keep it short, as I have a tendency to be loquacious.  Even so, I did manage to work in a slight jab at Sarah Palin, by explaining to the assembled guests that because of the groom’s upper Midwest vernacular, if he said “You betcha” instead of “I do“, it was NOT a nod to Caribou Barbie.  I also managed to give Apple some free advertising by pulling out my iPod Touch for the official part of the ceremony, joking “There’s an app for that” and hoping apple would give me a free iPad once they got wind of iVows. 

I also threatened to sing “A Whole New World” from Aladdin…in Italian and quoted from “Rent” and La Boheme.  The reception was on Lake Mission Viejo and afterward the newlyweds checked into The Hotel Careyfornia for a 2 hour nap before their 5 AM flight to Cancun.  Today everyone is resting after a whirlwind few days.  I’m readying for the next wave of guests next weekend and then I’m off to Chicago for a week.  Congratulations to Darlene & Gary!  Thanks for asking me to marry you!

…There’s a new deputy in town.  This weekend my cousin is getting married and I was honored when she and her fiance asked me to perform the ceremony.  So recently, I was “deputized” by the state of California.  This Saturday, by the power vested in me, I will pronounce them man and wife.  I had to take the following oath to become a deputy:

As an officer of the state of California, I couldn’t be seen driving an 8 year old car, so this weekend I bought a new 2010 Honda Accord EX-L.  My old Honda was never the same after that girl hit me two years ago and it’s been getting progressively worse.  I don’t care much about cars or how they look, but I think this suits me pretty well.  I’m having fun with the navigation system too.  I like being able to say “Find sushi” and have the car show me all of the Japanese restaurants in the area.  Now let’s just hope my new deputy status can get me out of some speeding tickets!

I also ran into Raquel Welch earlier in the week.  She looks pretty damn good for 69 years old!  As someone said, she’s the “original Silicon Valley”.  LOL.  She was promoting her new book, Beyond The Cleavage. 

Today, April 1, 2010 is a big day for me.  It represents a paradigm shift.  A change of hearts, of sort.  Since August 29, 2008, the day Sarah Palin was announced as John McCain’s running mate; I have dedicated more than 25 blog entries about the dangers of this woman ever holding public office.  While we’re not exactly dating yet; the times, they are a changing:

What you don’t know is that exactly one year ago today (not to be confused with two years ago today) I received a letter from Ms. Palin’s Political Action Committee, SarahPAC.  Due to a mutual non-disclosure agreement, I’ve had to keep that letter and its contents secret for the past year, but today I’m ready to announce some big news that I alluded to in my last blog entry: 

What follows, are two completely unrelated stories that are ultimately about hope and inspiration:

I would like everyone to grab a box of tissues and read this story.  I want you to think about it the next time you get angry while driving.  I know I will.  I’m an admittedly terrible driver, and have been guilty of road rage many times.  I’ve been working on driving more calmly for several years, but living in Los Angeles, relapses are easy.  I hope that the memory of what happened to this family and their little boy will forever stay with me when I’m behind the wheel. Life is indeed too short.

When a porn star and a college student driving through the San Fernando Valley fell into conflict, a Bangladeshi American family suffered the consequences

Los Angeles magazine, February 2010

On the Internet you can watch a four-minute video clip of Ayman Arif dancing. The venue is a bedroom in his Northridge home; his stage, a comforter patterned with sunflowers. Taking his cues from a Bollywood spectacular playing on the television, the four-year-old Bangladeshi American boy wriggles, twirls, and bounds. On his bare chest he wears the pink string sash of the Brahman jester he is pretending to be. His mop of brown hair gives way to a wide forehead, and his dark brown eyes are bright with fire as he sings along to the Bengali-language soundtrack. One moment he’s wagging a stern finger, the next he’s clasping his hands to his heart or pumping an outstretched palm toward the heavens.  

On Tuesday, October 9, 2007, some ten months after her son’s impromptu performance made it onto YouTube, Syeda Arif was readying her family for the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Fitr—three days of gift giving, party hopping,overeating, and prayer to conclude the fast of Ramadan. At 30, Syeda was petite, with almond-shaped eyes and a husky laugh. She and her husband, Amir, lived in a Bangladeshi enclave in the northwest San Fernando Valley. Her father had been twice nominated to the Bangladeshi parliament, and Amir liked to say that she made friends with the ease of a born politician.

Around noon in the gathering heat of the day, Syeda buckled her two-month-old daughter, Ikra, into the car seat in her Honda Civic and drove to the home of Romey Islam, one of her best friends. The Islams lived in a modest gray ranch house on Sherman Way near Van Nuys Airport. Its soundproof front windows looked out onto a six-lane river of crosstown traffic that, like the row of palm trees lining the sidewalk, continued as far as the eye could follow. Read more…

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And keeping in the vain of “life’s too short”, here’s another article I highly recommend taking the time to read.  It’s an inspiring look at Roger Ebert, perhaps the best known film critic in America.  Those of you in other countries have probably never heard of him, but I’ve always had a special affinity for Mr. Ebert.  He was a fixture in Chicago where I grew up, and his movie reviews with Gene Siskel and patented “thumbs up or down” are legendary.  Five years ago, when the movie “Rent” came out, I was very excited.  Any regular reader of this space knows that seeing the musical “Rent” in 1996 was a seminal event in my life.  I went on to see the show 15 times in 15 different countries!  While I was a bit underwhelmed by the transition from stage to screen; subsequent viewings of the movie made me appreciate it more.  Upon realizing this, I wrote to Mr. Ebert to take issue with a few of the comments he made in his review of the film.  Imagine my surprise the next day, when I got a personal response from Roger Ebert from his personal email address; and he actually agreed with me!  I thought that was a very classy thing for him to do.  At the time, I had no idea of the huge medical ordeals he was facing.  I read this article last night and it brought tears to my eyes. Roger Ebert is a class act. This is the story of a life well lived and it’s worth your time. 

February 16, 2010, 7:01 AM

Roger Ebert: The Essential Man

It has been nearly four years since Roger Ebert lost his lower jaw and his ability to speak. Now television’s most famous movie critic is rarely seen and never heard, but his words have never stopped.  Read more…

PLUS: Have You Seen All of the Essential Movies?

By Chris Jones

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It was a very busy weekend at The Hotel Careyfornia, filled with many of my blog’s namesakes, primarily dogs (4), kids (3), and sunsets (2).  Thankfully, there was little mention of Sarah Palin and her redneck teleprompter!  Friday, Seth and Hannah came by with Garbo & Ruby.  On Saturday, David & Rebecca came with the two girls and Chanel the dog (just like last Valentine’s Day, when I went to Gay Traffic School!).  Despite snow in 49 of the 50 United States, it was 75° (24° C) in L.A. and we hiked up to the “new” Hollywood sign.  It’s been covered by conservationists temporarily to prevent land development at one of the last untouched parts of Los Angeles. After a quick trip to Millions of Milkshakes, we headed to The Getty Center for sunset (it’s free after 5:00 on Saturdays!).   We capped the night off celebrating the Lunar New Year with delicious Thai food.  Sunday, Claudio, Ryan, Omar & Chazz came to dance the Valentine’s night away at Avalon.  Tonight, Tyson (who took time out of his busy TV appearance schedule), met me and Chazz for dinner at Hollywood & Highland.  I’m exhausted.  Is it the weekend yet??

The recent revelations about Sarah Palin in the book “Game Change” have left me giddy and completely unbothered by her recent appointment as Fox News’ newest pinhead.  Let’s face it, even McCain’s own campaign had doubts that someone as vapid and crazy (“It was God’s plan…“) as Caribou Barbie should ever hold the highest office in the land and even hatched a plan to give her a mostly ceremonial role should they win.  So keep prattling on Sarah…and show us all how dangerous, delusional and doltish you really are!  To wit:

“In the days leading up to an interview with ABC News’ Charlie Gibson, aides were worried with Ms. Palin’s grasp of facts. She couldn’t explain why North and South Korea were separate nations and she did not know what the Federal Reserve did. She also said she believed Saddam Hussein attacked the United States on Sept. 11, 2001.”

Where’d they find her? Well, on the Internet, as it happens. “McCain’s campaign manager, Rick Davis, spotted Sarah Palin while searching the Internet for possible female vice presidential candidates.” More from CBS News:

“Her foreign policy tutors are literally taking her through, ‘This is World War I, this is World War II, this is the Korean War. This is the how the Cold War worked.’ Steve Schmidt had gone to them and said, ‘She knows nothing,’” Heilemann told Cooper. “A week later, after the convention was over, she still didn’t really understand why there was a North Korea and a South Korea. She was still regularly saying that Saddam Hussein had been behind 9/11. And, literally, the next day her son was about to ship off to Iraq. And when they asked her who her son was going to fight, she couldn’t explain that.”"

Finally, a week of spectacular weather and sunsets, was capped off at the Getty Museum over the weekend, where Ryan, Lorenzo, Adam and I enjoyed a sunset for the ages after coming out of the Rembrandt exhibit.  Take a look at the photos and video:

Even though I don’t believe in God, I’m inclined to agree with the postulate that everyone likes presents, Santa, peace on earth and all the things that come with Christmas and the holiday season.  I mean, what’s not to like?  My office Christmas party was today and we had a Secret Santa gift exchange.  The person whose name I drew, is an staunch Orange County Republican who thinks Sarah Palin is “hot”. 

As a gag gift, I gave him the book “Going Rouge – An American Nightmare” which is the bitingly real expose of the most dangerous woman on the planet, Sarah Palin.  (I also gave him a real gift, and the gift receipt to exchange the book for something he really wanted!)  The person who drew my name in the gift exchange had a similar idea, and gave me the book, “Going Rogue”, the fictional work of a delusional demagogue by Pontius Palin – The Bobbleheaded Beauty Queen herself.  Delicious irony, right?  In a way, the gifts canceled each other out.  Ah, the magic of Christmas!

Watching this video is definitely worth 8 minutes of your time.  It shows Caribou Barbie’s redneck fans gathered outside a “Going Rogue” book signing event in Columbus, Ohio.  When they’re presented with basic questions about her policy positions, hilarity ensues.  Some might argue that this phenomenon is not limited to Palin supporters; but after watching it a few times, I’m inclined to disagree (as are my Facebook friends to the right).  Granted, there are idiots on both sides of the aisle; but these right wing, bible thumping nutjobs take philistinism to a completely different stratosphere.  Nice job Ohio: 

And to think a year ago today Sarah Palin was pardoning the Alaska Thanksgiving turkey, while behind her, live turkeys were being fed into an apparatus to kill them and bleed them out.  Classy. 

On a cheerier note, last Thanksgiving, I was lucky enough to participate in a truly memorable and worthwhile project.  My friend Seth, owner of Garbo & Ruby, wrote a song about peace on earth and shot a cross cultural video (starring me) that you may remember.  Hannah steals the show at about 32 seconds, and I make my first cheesy appearance at 39 seconds.  Take a look, but be warned, the song will stick in your head!

The parts I’m in were filmed on the roof of the Hotel Careyfonia.  Here are some “Behind the Scenes” photos that might just show up on VH-1′s “Behind the Music” someday after I come out of rehab for the 5th time following my meteoric rise to the top of the Hollywood elite.

Anyway, I hope that everyone stateside has a happy Thanksgiving!  Here are a few recent photos that I posted on  Facebook but forgot to post here.  Gobble gobble!

What a weekend!  Too bad it had to end, because today the Sarah Palin media blitz began. 
I’ll get to that waste  of brain matter in a minute, but here’s a quick recap of the weekend:

• Drove up to Santa Barbara…managed to avoid a speeding ticket despite a few close calls.
• Eva, Bine & I hung out with Rob & August all day Saturday; enjoying:
• Beach volleyball (I was the photographer).
• A beached sea lion that had been attacked by a Great White Shark (we were told).
• Swimming with dolphins….when Bine saw them she immediately ran into the water and swam to them, even getting bruised by a dorsal fin in the process.
• Another spectacular Santa Barbara sunset.
• A Filipino barbecue courtesy of grillmaster Rob, who has been a “friend in my head” for years and is now the real thing!
• I caught a cold Saturday night as the temperature in Eva’s house was about 20° cooler than I keep The Hotel Careyfornia.
• Claudio & Ryan found a Chocolate Lab on the street in Oxnard Saturday.  She and Chazz became best of friends.  We’re calling her “D” (for dog) for now, and searching for the owner, but it’s been 2 days.  Story developing…
• Claudio & Ryan drove up to Santa Barbara with aforementioned new dog and Chazz, and we had dinner on the beach to yet another breathtaking sunset
• Drove home and have been drinking lots of hot liquids.
• Tonight, Bine & I are going to go see the movie Precious.
• Tomorrow Carolina is coming for lunch and then Bine & I are going to The Jay Leno Show(we were supposed to go last week, but changed the tickets).  Tyra Banks will be the guest.

Here are my favorite photos from the past 2 days:

9 PM:  UPDATE to the UPDATE:  Levi Johnston just posted my blog on his Twitter page and I got like 300 hits in 30 minutes! Which means that right now, Levi Johnston is sitting in a hotel room in New York looking at picture of Chazz!  LOL!!  Then I got a message on my phone from him that said this:

Thanks Levi!  I appreciate the help!  If my blog can change one person’s mind about ever voting for Sarah Palin again, I’ll have done my job. 

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7 PM:  UPDATE:  Well, Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby  daddy, Levi Johnston, confirmed today, what I blogged about months ago:  Sarah Palin hates retards!  Now I just need him to confirm that she’s the mother of Michael Jackson’s son, Blanket!  LOL.  I just started following him on Twitter, so hopefully he will follow me and read all of my posts about his whack job, almost monster in law:  He’s actually a pretty funny kid.  He just sent this tweet from New York:

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1 AM THIS MORNING: 1 year ago today, I wrote a post called “Yes We Will – Count On It“.  It was a exactly one week before the presidential election and I had a conversation with someone who could not fathom a black man in the White House.  This week that same person had the unmitigated gall to send me one of those ignorant emails that spread racism and hate (that I refuse to repost here), telling me I can’t deny “history” and espousing the same disgusting “we’re the greatest country on earth” blah blah blah rhetoric that angry white men like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh puke out (because an ‘uppity negro’ in power obviously makes them sick to their stomachs).  Guess what?  Racism is still alive and well in America one year later.  I am looking forward to this documentary on HBO next week though (almost as much as I’m looking forward to Levi Johnston’s revelations about Sarah Palin tomorrow).  Check out the kid in the beginning and end of the clip.  His name is Lorenzo.  He’s nine years old and he’s priceless:

 
Halloween is a week away and I’ve been far too busy these past few weeks to come up with a costume.  I keep thinking it will be hard to top last year when I dressed as a moose in a bulletproof vest, trying to avoid all of the Sarah Palins with guns!  I got shot twelve times that night:

West Hollywood always has a huge Halloween carnival where they close off Santa Monica Blvd. and host hundreds of thousands of costumed revelers.  It’s just at the bottom of my street and I’ve never gone without a costume.  Then laying in bed last night, I had an epiphany.  I thought of the easiest, cheapest, most low maintenance costume possible.  All I need to do is: 

• Wear a cream colored shirt   
• Carry a clear Tupperware container
• Get a silver foil balloon
• Maybe pop some Jiffy Pop popcorn
• Walk up to every cute Asian “boy” (mind you, they will all be of age) on Santa Monica Blvd and ask him to take a picture with me while fake puking into my Tupperware container and holding the balloon.  After all, I’ve never had a problem taking pictures with cute Asian boys:

So there you have it.  The easiest costume in history.  I’ll be the Balloon Boy’s father, Richard Heene.  I guess I’ll have to shave the goatee.  Oh well, I’m tired of people telling me it’s gray, a fact I’m quite aware of.  Even if people think my costume is lame, it will be a great way to meet new friends and add to the collage below!  LOL.